Makin' a List of Holiday Movies
Seven Screwy Santas
Great Offbeat Performances as St. Nick
© Warner Bros. Pictures
I love the holidays. The good cheer, the eggnog, the stockings, the presents (giving and receiving) and of course, Santa. Yep, even as a grown up, I still love Santa Claus. And I especially love him in the movies, a place that showcases a vast array of Santa Clauses —St. Nick characters who are real (Miracle on 34th Street) or not (Bad Santa) or…not real and bad (You Better Watch Out). So I’m especially excited to see filmdom’s newest take on the red-suited-one with the comedy Fred Claus starring “nice” Paul Giamatti as a contemporary Santa and Vince Vaughn as his “naughty” brother, Fred) opening this week.
With Giamatti’s unusual take on Santa Claus, I’m taking a look at other memorably unusual Santas who’ve ho-ho-ho’ed across the silver screen. Be them lovable grandfather figures, drunks, sociopaths, green Grinches, or just confused guys who need a second chance (in a Santa Suit), here’s my seven strangest cinematic Santas.
Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa (2003)
Is Terry Zwigoff’s Bad Santa the Citizen Kane of Santa movies? Easily. The story of a thieving, lecherous and cantankerous department store Santa is one of the most subversive Christmas movies ever made and also, surprisingly, one of the most touching. Billy Bob Thornton carves out a role that is now iconic—stumbling through the movie with such assured misanthropy that at a certain point, you’re actually impressed at his level of depravity. And for all those who may have felt cranky during the holiday season, there’s a lovable nastiness to this movie. Still, crude humor aside, Bad Santa does deliver a message about the real meaning of the Christmas spirit, despite its foul-mouthed format.
Edmund Gwenn in Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
In Miracle on 34th Street, the question isn’t just “Does Santa Claus exist?” - the question may also be, “Does Santa Claus need years of therapy?” Although Miracle is full of Capra-esque uplift – and heartwarming messages about believing in “the imagination of the child”, I for one always found the picture a tad subversive. The wonderful Edmund Gwenn plays "Kris Kringle" a Macy’s department store Santa who warms the heart of the cute-as-a-button Natalie Wood - and eventually wins over her progressive workaholic mother played by Maureen O’Hara. But is the guy really Santa? And if he believes he is, isn’t he totally nuts? This question causes the (POLICE?) to nearly drag poor Kris to an insane asylum which is funny, sad and creepy all at the same time.
John Call in Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)
Whenever I think of this yuletide camp classic, Santa’s not the first thing that comes to mind. When I hear this title, cult personality Pia Zadora pops into my head as Martians marked the screen debut of 8-year-old Pia as “GirMar” (which means “Girl Martian”, get it?). And then I remember that it is a Christmas story and that Santa (ebullient Broadway actor John Call, who sounds like he’s on laughing gas) does get kidnapped by Martians and that those poor kids on Mars really do need presents and…that’s enough of that. Directed by the late Nicholas Webster (who helmed the little-seen Ruby Dee-Ossie Davis comedy-drama Gone Are the Days), this low-budget flick was shot in 4 days in a Long Island airport hangar. It may entertain the younger set - and adults too, if their eggnog is seriously spiked.
© Warner Home Video
© Synapse Films
The Animated Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)
Creating his own version of Scrooge (and a Bad Santa before his time), Dr. Suess’ Grinch is one of the holiday’s most enduring and powerful characters. And thanks to director Chuck Jones (not Ron Howard, sorry), he lives on via Jones’ brilliant TV movie adaptation of Suess’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Utilizing the vocal talents of one Boris Karloff to narrate the tale, the story of the green and mean Grinch and his plan to loot the sweet denizens of Whoville while pretending to be Santa Claus is a gorgeously animated classic. It’s effectively scary, but with just enough humanity to make us believe that the Grinch’s heart really does grow three times (after he cuts the “Roast Beast”).
Brandon Maggart in You Better Watch Out A.K.A. Christmas Evil (1980)
What kind of people are obsessed with Santa Claus? Lunatics, clearly, if you follow the premise of director Lewis Jackson’s first and only movie, You Better Watch Out. The best of the homicidal Santa pictures (Silent Night, Deadly Night gets more ink), this one has a lonely man who thinks all will be perfect if he could only turn himself into Santa Claus. The guy starts not only dressing as Santa, but spying on kids and tricking out his van with a sleigh mural. But when he finally “becomes” Santa, he takes a shine to naughty over nice and so, as the title states, you better watch out. And you better take this movie seriously because Jackson did, making the film all the more amusing, fantastically over-the-top and at times, curiously creepy. The psycho Santa figure is played by character actor Brandon Maggart (Dressed to Kill) —who, in real life, is Fiona Apple’s father! (No wonder her songs are so tortured.)
José Elías Moreno in the Mexican Santa Claus (1959)
Santa Claus vs.…the Devil? No, this is not some lost episode of South Park – it’s a straightforward 1950’s kiddie flick from the South-of-the Border schlockmeister Rene Cardona, Sr., beloved to bad film freaks as the man who brought the word Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Mummy and the 1976 Andes plane crash & cannibalism movie Alive! Santa (played by José Elías Moreno) knows if you’ve been bad or good via his super-sized telescope that helps him notice all the world’s children like poor little Lupita who just wants a doll for Christmas (awwww). But Satan sees Santa too and he challenges Mr. Claus to a fight that, if you stick with the movie long enough and you really should—is worthy of a WWF smackdown, tights and all. Amusing and eye-poppingly strange, Cardona’s version of the tough hombre Santa is impressively ambitious.
Gene Hackman in The French Connection (1971)
Santa Claus? In The French Connection? But of course. The William Friedkin classic in which Gene Hackman’s tough NYC cop Popeye Doyle attempts to track down a massive heroin shipment coming in from France, contains one of the greatest, grittiest Santa moments every put to film. The place is Brooklyn, the time, the Christmas holiday, during which Popeye Doyle is a street Santa in disguise. With his partner, Buddy "Cloudy" Russo (Roy Scheider), who is posing as a hot dog vendor (I know, it sounds like a comedy), Popeye as Santa kicks all kind of butt when he chases down a knife wielding dope dealer. It is here, that, well Santa utters one of the movie’s most iconic non-sequiturs: “When's the last time you picked your feet, Willy? Who's your connection Willy? What's his name?...I've got a man in Poughkeepsie who wants to talk to you. You ever been to Poughkeepsie?” Santa would know!
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